Sunday, 17 July 2011

Review - Bare Behind Bars (1980 - Dir. Oswaldo de Oliviera)

Only just making it into the 80s Prison Season is Bare Behind Bars and I wish, I dearly wish, it had been made in 1979. Terrible. One of the worst films I've ever seen.

I'm going to dispense with any discussion of the political correctness of this film because if you're going to watch a film called Bare Behind Bars then you should know what to expect. 

It is basically a soft porn film. With ladies going at each other as if they've been starved for three weeks and then let loose on a lady shaped piece of Pek chopped pork. Considering the amount of lady flesh on show it is the most unerotic film ever. There is one scene which strays into hardcore, but when the fella involved has got a droopy moustache and is covered in more hair than a mammoth, it doesn't make for pleasant viewing. The version I saw is cut but who cares.

I was expecting it to be fairly gruelling with some torture scenes. There are probably worse torture scenes in The Antiques Roadshow. One scene of the inmates being hosed down goes on for an eternity and the worst you get is a bit of whipping, where the whip sound is comically not in sync with the whip.

The only half decent thing in the whole film is Nurse Barbara. Watch the clip below for her best scene. Don't be fooled though. It's really not worth watching for her antics alone, even if they do involve an amusingly shaped pineapple. Bear in mind that I rented it on the strength of that clip and the promise of a bit of sleaze. It is just so boring. I just wanted it to end after about thirty minutes. I was clock watching (that's clock watching, it is a women in prison film) all the way through. 

I debated whether to give it a rating of 1 on the strength of Nurse Barbara and the sleazy music but seeing as though I wouldn't sit through it again, ever, for anyone, I thought I'd better go with the first obscurendure 0. This film may have had a place in the early 80s but it is pointless now and should be buried and forgotten, not released on Blu-ray. Pathetic.

If you like this you could also try:
Mary Poppins, Mamma Mia, Notting Hill because you deserve it.

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