Intermission - Water Safety

A passerby came up to me the other day in the street and said, "Evlkeith, I've got a four year old daughter and a two year old son. The problem is that they keep arsing about around our garden pond. I keep telling them to stop arsing about, but they just don't listen. I'm really worried about them arsing about and falling in. Can you help?"

Having a degree in child psychology, this is an easy one. You need to put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of death. Tell them that if they persist in their showing off, foolishness and unwary behaviour then The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water will come for them in a manky, dark brown, hooded cloak, and drag them under the water into the deepest pits of hell. That should sort them out. Remember that The Spirit has no power over sensible children.

If this doesn't work, go and watch telly and leave them to it. You've informed them of the risks and they'll have to take the consequences.

NB obscurendure accepts no responsibility for the unwise use of these seventies parenting techniques.